Beginning Again

It’s been quite some time, eh?

Time.

My struggles at understanding time still continue. Sometimes I think Time is God.

No end. No beginning. Just Vastly Continuous. Consuming, Creating Life and everything else. And maybe, somewhere down the road, the hope of reparation.

But, this is not why I fail to distiinguish God and Time. No.  The reason for that is, that both Time and God are perhaps the only thing that although shared so explicitly with everyone, are also perhaps the most closest things to us.

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A thousand thoughts are running through my head right now. Constant distraction. And even though words seem to be trickling grudgingly slow, I feel like I need to write.

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I’ve never felt good about beginnings. A year ago, the explanation for that may have been an excuse filled with bullshit and lies.

No lying now.

It is because I’ve never been good at them.

Relationships. Schools. Writings. And the dreaded “Fresh Starts”. None of them began the way they were supposed to. None of them ended the way they were supposed to either.

But Maybe I’m wrong

Maybe, I’m looking at the picture from a different end, the darker pessimistic one. Maybe, the reason beginnings frighten me is because they lead to endings that are completely different from what I make up in my mind, never in a “good” way.

Maybe, beginnings are so scary because you can control when they happen, but not the eventuality of them leading to an end. An ending, which is seldom what you imagine.

But isn’t that the beauty of it all?

The beauty of being able to select what matters and what doesn’t, from this Vast, Dreadful, Majestic Continuity.

Yes, you can not control how things end but maybe, that is perhaps the reason it is called the End. Because what follows is completely Divergent. Because everything that happened before ceases to matter.

Isn’t that the beautify of Time’s vast continuity?

That as soon as you cross that point in time when things end, Things Begin. And as long as Time exists, You can never run out of beginnings.

Yes sometimes they may be followed by frightening, dreadful endings that may loom upon your existence forever. Haunting you in lonely nights.

Yes, at some point it may feel almost useless to “Begin” again.

But as long as every beginning is followed by an ending, there is hope.

Not the kind of hope that blinds people, making them chase things that don’t exist.
Not the hope that refuses to accept our helplessness against eventualities.

No. The Hope, that somewhere in this mighty chaotic unrest, we have some control. Control over what matters to us. Control over standing at the edge of en ending and refusing to be frightened of Beginning again. Control over accepting the presence of this unrest, but rejecting the fear that comes attached.

And at the end, isn’t that what matters most.

So, here I am. Standing at the edge of another beginning.

Another beautifully chaotic ending, awaiting.

Somewhere trying to control what happens in between..

Until then,

Truly Yours

Endings

Exams just ended. Another year checked off. Another step closer to inevitability.

Personally I’ve never believed in endings. I’ve always liked to think that things don’t end, they continue. This maybe the truth, but that does not make it any less grieving. Sometimes, you don’t want things to continue, you want them to end. Fresh starts and what not. And even though I’ve always preferred continuity, the last few days have shown me that endings do exist. Time does not flow backwards. And so, here we are. Another end. Another beginning. Three years of my university, spent.

I was waiting for this day for a long time.

But it’s here.

So here I am. Glancing back before time reminds me of the direction it flows.

You know why I don’t like endings?

Because they make you grateful. The year I’ve had, I should not be exactly that. Sometimes though, it’s better to look back one more time and relive memories, good or bad before you start walking forward again. This year has been hard. Heartbreaks and crashes. But however painful it might have been, sometimes endings do work their magic. Sometimes being glad things happened is the only way to accept their demise.

Even though this year can in no way be called a good one, I did teach me a thing or two. They say that the lessons you learn when you fall are the lessons you need to rise. This fall has taught me a lot. I’ve learned that friendship is something unconditional. That your family, is always there. That hurting people, hurts. That accepting is sometimes hard, but necessary. That expectations, falter. But most importantly that, as soon as you cross that point in time when things end, Things begin.

And so here I am. Bidding farewell to everything that happened. To every good, bad, ugly, sad, joyous occurrence that occurred.

“Good” Bye & Fare Thee Well

Time to Move forward.

Acceptance

Still listening to Penderecki. Still lost.

It’s hard to understand where you are going when you don’t even know where you are. And that is perhaps the closest I can come to understanding my situation. The day I started this blog, was perhaps the lowest point in my life, I’m not saying that these four days have changed me, but I’m definitely not where I was back then.

It’s calmer now. Serene. The dust has settled. That does not mean it’s less dirty. Just livable. Like the day after the storm. Broken things, debris all around but the comforting assurance that the destruction has seized.

I think I’m becoming an economist. Not the numbers kind. The behavioral kind. The one thing I’ve come to realize is that people are inherently selfish. Morality is a farce. Exceptions may exist. They should. But there’s a reason they’re called exceptions.

Do people matter though?

Not anymore.

Isn’t it funny? Forming hasty generalizations about people when you don’t even know who you are.

I need a fucking break. A Cigarette.

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So where was I?

Ah, yes. Broken.

I don’t think there’s anything down the road now. Just pitch black. I need to start over. I need a restructuring. I need some time alone.

This is what I’ve decided my next two months are going to be. Rehabilitation. Because frankly, the decisions I have taken thus far, the principles that have produced those decisions have led me to this point. Crashed. Broken. Lost.

Were these principles flawed?

Maybe. Maybe not. But they were most definitely not Battle-tested.

This calm feels comforting somehow. I think I’m going to enjoy it for a few days. Before I start thinking again.

Until Next time.

God Help Me.