Beginning Again

It’s been quite some time, eh?

Time.

My struggles at understanding time still continue. Sometimes I think Time is God.

No end. No beginning. Just Vastly Continuous. Consuming, Creating Life and everything else. And maybe, somewhere down the road, the hope of reparation.

But, this is not why I fail to distiinguish God and Time. No.  The reason for that is, that both Time and God are perhaps the only thing that although shared so explicitly with everyone, are also perhaps the most closest things to us.

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A thousand thoughts are running through my head right now. Constant distraction. And even though words seem to be trickling grudgingly slow, I feel like I need to write.

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I’ve never felt good about beginnings. A year ago, the explanation for that may have been an excuse filled with bullshit and lies.

No lying now.

It is because I’ve never been good at them.

Relationships. Schools. Writings. And the dreaded “Fresh Starts”. None of them began the way they were supposed to. None of them ended the way they were supposed to either.

But Maybe I’m wrong

Maybe, I’m looking at the picture from a different end, the darker pessimistic one. Maybe, the reason beginnings frighten me is because they lead to endings that are completely different from what I make up in my mind, never in a “good” way.

Maybe, beginnings are so scary because you can control when they happen, but not the eventuality of them leading to an end. An ending, which is seldom what you imagine.

But isn’t that the beauty of it all?

The beauty of being able to select what matters and what doesn’t, from this Vast, Dreadful, Majestic Continuity.

Yes, you can not control how things end but maybe, that is perhaps the reason it is called the End. Because what follows is completely Divergent. Because everything that happened before ceases to matter.

Isn’t that the beautify of Time’s vast continuity?

That as soon as you cross that point in time when things end, Things Begin. And as long as Time exists, You can never run out of beginnings.

Yes sometimes they may be followed by frightening, dreadful endings that may loom upon your existence forever. Haunting you in lonely nights.

Yes, at some point it may feel almost useless to “Begin” again.

But as long as every beginning is followed by an ending, there is hope.

Not the kind of hope that blinds people, making them chase things that don’t exist.
Not the hope that refuses to accept our helplessness against eventualities.

No. The Hope, that somewhere in this mighty chaotic unrest, we have some control. Control over what matters to us. Control over standing at the edge of en ending and refusing to be frightened of Beginning again. Control over accepting the presence of this unrest, but rejecting the fear that comes attached.

And at the end, isn’t that what matters most.

So, here I am. Standing at the edge of another beginning.

Another beautifully chaotic ending, awaiting.

Somewhere trying to control what happens in between..

Until then,

Truly Yours

Acceptance

Still listening to Penderecki. Still lost.

It’s hard to understand where you are going when you don’t even know where you are. And that is perhaps the closest I can come to understanding my situation. The day I started this blog, was perhaps the lowest point in my life, I’m not saying that these four days have changed me, but I’m definitely not where I was back then.

It’s calmer now. Serene. The dust has settled. That does not mean it’s less dirty. Just livable. Like the day after the storm. Broken things, debris all around but the comforting assurance that the destruction has seized.

I think I’m becoming an economist. Not the numbers kind. The behavioral kind. The one thing I’ve come to realize is that people are inherently selfish. Morality is a farce. Exceptions may exist. They should. But there’s a reason they’re called exceptions.

Do people matter though?

Not anymore.

Isn’t it funny? Forming hasty generalizations about people when you don’t even know who you are.

I need a fucking break. A Cigarette.

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So where was I?

Ah, yes. Broken.

I don’t think there’s anything down the road now. Just pitch black. I need to start over. I need a restructuring. I need some time alone.

This is what I’ve decided my next two months are going to be. Rehabilitation. Because frankly, the decisions I have taken thus far, the principles that have produced those decisions have led me to this point. Crashed. Broken. Lost.

Were these principles flawed?

Maybe. Maybe not. But they were most definitely not Battle-tested.

This calm feels comforting somehow. I think I’m going to enjoy it for a few days. Before I start thinking again.

Until Next time.

God Help Me.

Who am I?

Three words. Why is it so hard to explain it then?

I don’t know.

This is not new though. A good memory is perhaps something I’ve yet to classify as a flaw. It was kindergarten and the teacher gave us a simple homework. Write five lines on “Myself”. The instructions were pretty simple. One line about your name. Two lines about your family, and the last two lines, anything about yourself.

I’ve been stuck on the last two lines since then.

Twenty one years old. Did my O levels in my hometown. Then my A levels from another city, and now, living in yet another city studying Accounts and Finance, or at least trying to. Don’t have any “dark” secrets, except maybe one, but we all have our rights to that, don’t we?

I don’t know what this tells you about me, but it doesn’t tell me anything about myself.

Twenty years is a long journey. And along this path I have picked up stuff that I deem helpful towards figuring myself out. Its funny how we attach ourselves to stuff, classify ourselves through music, friends and attitudes yet we still frown over people who judge us.

So why am I sitting in my room, listening to Penderecki, and staring at the keyboard. Well, because one thing I know is, I like to write. This year has been tough for me. And what is occurring right now can quite accurately be called the Crash. Yes. I have crashed. Depression. Addiction. And a deep hollow that keeps eating me inside. The last few days have been the epitome of all this. This whirlwind of thunder, debris and dark thoughts kept circling over the notion of giving up, but not yet. So here I am. Trying to change. Trying to Unlearn. Empty the cup.

The posts that may follow this one, may look like complete nonsense. The blabbering of the downer. Or they may seem quite good. But the reason behind keeping my name anonymous is that it doesn’t matter.

To Starting over.

Cheers.