How do you tell the people you’ve always fought for, that you’ve lost. That you’ve let them down. That everything you’ve blamed was a lie, to hold up this self-damaged fragile edifice of hope. That no one else is at fault, except yourself. That you’ve failed to do the only thing that you were in this for.
But, the next chapter cannot begin until this one ends. This dark chapter of misery and shadowy grey has gone on long enough, and the last page will only turn, with confessing to the people I’d always feared letting down, that I went on to do exactly that. This is not easy for me, far from that. If I could somehow correct everything that happened, believe me, I would. But that point is long gone. There is no denial now. No anger. No more will to bargain. I’m now stuck somewhere between Depression and acceptance. Trying to escape the Former. Preparing to leap for the latter. And it’s Frightening.
Frightening to know that what lies in between is a dreadful, grief filled river of suffocating muck, that i have to cross.
And knowing what lies ahead is the acceptance of grief, not the riddance from it’s haunting desolation
Yet, it’s still hilariously sad how, when everything falls apart, the scars you never wanted to see, reveal themselves with aching simplicity. Sometimes i like to think of it as Life’s approach to comedy, a playful attempt to humor itself after it got tired of being mundane for everyone else. Maybe, that’s what all this simply is; life’s crack at satire. The tragic irony kind; the kind that’s sad enough to seem funny.
That’s what I’ve realized these past few days. Because everyone I have reached out for help, has pointed out flaws that it now seems, had been clearly visible. That’s the thing about problems, you can never tell when they are problematic enough to fight. Of course until you finally can, but it’s always too late by then.
I am now at a point where I’ve made the same kind of mistakes too many times to count. And I kept digging deeper, avoiding any form of help, for a long time now. The hole is so deep now that the only way out now is “help”. That’s what I’ve been trying to get all this time. And as exhausting, this dreary act of revealing myself for the mess I am, may have been it has led to some hurtful yet necessary realizations.
“Part illness and part series of colossally stupid mistakes”
I have accepted my part in creating this mess. I was the one who made these mistakes and I will be the one who’s going to pay for them. Just like I’ve been paying for all the previous ones that contributed to this. But, the repetition of these mistakes has to end before everything else does.
And the only way, this can happen is by embracing the flaws that led to them. Accepting the failures you’ve been ignoring all along, in front of yourself but more importantly, in front of the people you were supposed to be fighting for.The people you’ve been lying to, hoping they won’t notice your fragile, broken self.
I have to come clean
“Spit it all out, De-clutter your mind, tell them everything”
It’s frightening. and it’s going to hurt.
But, it’s Necessary.
Explosions in my head 